Month: May 2024

The lasting legacy of the unknown

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What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

Billions of people have lived and died on this planet, and so long as we collectively do not fuck it up there will be billions upon billions more. How many of them are remembered? How many eventually fade from memory and go forgotten? Stories untold and never to be known.

Life is a complicated, complex, multifaceted mess, and yet we all have two things in common. We are born, and we will die. (Okay, yes, we have a LOT more in common but hear me out.)

We grow up wanting and collecting things throughout life, yet when we die we take nothing with us. If there is any sort of legacy that I want to leave behind that is within my power to control it is this: I do not want to leave a mess for someone else to clean up. Sure, in the grand scheme of things if I’m going to be forgotten then it should eventually not have mattered at all. That doesn’t mean I don’t care. If my actions in life can inspire others to care in the same way, then we’ll have made less problems for future generations. Otherwise, if I didn’t care, and billions of others didn’t either, the world that we inherited would have been more fucked and we would only continue to contribute to making it worse.

Well, all that being said, if there is something I want to leave behind as a lasting legacy in the hopes of being remembered for hundreds of generations, I’d hope it’s something that people will look upon fondly. Maybe a book or two that have some kind of profoundly positive impact on the world. Barring that, because the odds are overwhelmingly against that, I just don’t want someone cleaning up after me and any mistakes I’ve made in the past or will make in the years to come. To go peacefully into the unknown after having lived well without impeding anyone else’s life.

Love/hate cold weather

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How do you feel about cold weather?

Cold weather is what makes people snuggle up and get cozy with a book and hot chocolate, or something of the sort, which can be wonderful. The problem with cold weather is we still have to deal with it. Going outside to get groceries, going to and from work, etcetera. Depending on the KIND of cold weather, it’s okay, but usually it’s just uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s downright unbearable.

I am, in general, okay with cold weather. No bugs to bother you when it gets really cold and snowy outside is a major plus. I like certain kinds of cold rainy days, and I feel the same about snowy days. Very specific conditions are needed. Otherwise I just don’t want to go outside. It’s just not enjoyable. I very much prefer to be indoors in the warmth while staring out the window at the cold weather.

Ignoring signs and breaking bones

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Have you ever broken a bone?

Yes, and it sucked very much. I’m very fortunate that it happened when I was younger so that I could bounce back quickly, both mentally and physically.

Growing up in Suburbia in the 90’s and early 2000’s meant it was a lot more common for kids to start getting into skateboarding and other “extreme” sports. I was probably 10 when that started for me.

There was a new family that had just moved in a few houses down and they had two boys. One around my age and the other a teenager. Both were primarily into skateboarding/snowboarding and BMX but dabbled in rollerblading. My younger brother and I became friends with them, and naturally got into skateboarding and rollerblading as well.

A couple years after we started down that path with them was when I broke my left wrist. Our friends had built their own little quarter pipe, only about two feet tall and not very steep. It was meant to help us get the feel of dropping in and going up to start tricks. You can probably imagine where this is going.

It was the night before my twelfth birthday, just before 7:00 PM, when it happened. We were using the quarter pipe to practice spinning, and we were going off the side into the grass so we could land vertically on our feet. Taking turns, we’d run down the driveway as fast as we dared to try and get enough height to complete our spins. I went up once and came down just fine, except for a weird tingle in my left arm. I didn’t think anything of it because it felt just like when you hit your funny bone. My turn came up again and I went for a repeat. I landed the way I was supposed to, on my feet, but I knew immediately something was wrong. My arm was broken. Just an inch or so below the wrist. My left radius was broken, and it was such a weird break (to me) because it made my wrist bulge in a way it most definitely shouldn’t but without breaking skin. The short end of the break sat “on top” of the rest. Complete separation. The long part of my radius, when looking at the x-rays, appeared to be trying to go around the broken part and towards my thumb.

A part of my sixth grade year, moderately ruined for a few months, because I actually had to go through two casts. They tried a short cast at first but they did new x-rays part way through the healing to make sure it was lining up correctly, and unfortunately it wasn’t. The break had started to shift inward towards my ulna. So, they cut off the short cast, did some kind of pinching between the bones to push them away from each other and realign my radius, and then put me in a full cast so my elbow was locked in place.

That was a tough time to be a kid, but I made do with video games that I could play without seriously needing both hands.

Anyways, I stopped skating entirely at that point.

Precarious balancing

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How do you balance work and home life?

Prior to COVID-19 forcing the world to change, my work/life balance was very stable, and in no small part because I have an amazing manager who is a huge proponent of work/life balance.

Before 2020 was easy. Job expectations were simple. Working hours were 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM, come into the office every weekday, and no requirement for having work email on my phone (although it was available and there used to be a technology stipend for using personal devices in such a way.) Once 5:00 PM hit, and I was out the doors, I was untouchable.

The lines blurred after everything got turned upside down with everyone working remotely. At the time, my computer setup at home was in my bedroom, so that’s where my work setup landed as well. I didn’t have the luxury of a dedicated home office space. Anyways, work/life balance was temporarily very messed up. Projects were put on hold, with only critical ones receiving attention, and we had a 40% reduction in hours. (I’m fortunate to be paid on a salary, but that meant tracking our time as Unpaid to trick the system. For those of us who could afford it, we filled in with PTO.) So, for a few months we worked 3-day staggered shifts. Between working hours and my private life I spent way too much time in my bedroom because I basically had nowhere else to go. The lines had become so blurry. I could literally roll out of bed at 8:00 AM to login and make sure I was online before starting my normal morning routine. I could occasionally spend time playing games during “normal” work hours because those reduced work hours made it so schedules didn’t line up and I could stretch out work into the evenings as needed. I wasn’t going anywhere and had nowhere to be, so it didn’t matter if I worked until 8:00 PM just as long as my work got done.

When things began to return to normal (first hours, then going back into the office) is when that work/life balance stabilized. Apart from my manager, I was the only one on my team who opted to come back into the office. I needed the structure. My manager’s expectations hadn’t changed, but I saw the irreversible “damage” that had been done. My co-workers who all preferred working remotely had lost that original semblance of balance and embraced a new one. They liked the flexibility, and made it work, so more power to them, but I REALLY needed that structure in my day. My time outside of work is practically sacred, so once again, once 5:00 PM hits, I’m gone.

Life’s sacrifices big and small

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Daily writing prompt
What sacrifices have you made in life?
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Life has a funny way of putting obstacles in our way that we find to be either insurmountable or require a sacrifice, but what if you have convinced yourself that it was life doing this and not yourself? The everyday choices we make can sometimes have unforeseen affects far into our future.

This prompt has me revisiting some of the thoughts I’ve had over the years regarding WHY I’ve made certain choices or remained where I’m at (at that time) in life.

After my family moved to South Dakota, the dynamic of my life changed dramatically. Sure, my family had some horses when I lived in Colorado, but that was a relatively recent change due to my Dad meeting and marrying my Stepmom, but I basically went from a suburban teenager to a “farm kid” practically over night. I couldn’t walk or ride my bike to go hang out with friends who all lived within a half mile radius of my house. I lived multiple country miles away from anyone in my class, and had a roughly eight mile drive just to get to school. I had to pick up daily chores to take care of all of the horses my parents kept “collecting” at the time (really they were mostly rescues or small number related to breeding.) This all adds up to a sacrifice that I had no say in and was forced to make. I don’t really regret having to go through that, because I was able to learn a lot about a completely different way of living and the hardships that some people face out here.

Not long after this time was when I would graduate high school and go on to college. I was fortunate that I lived close enough to the city to attend college while still living at home, so I took advantage of that, but it made it difficult to build meaningful relationships with my peers. That choice meant I sacrificed opportunities for social growth, and I’m lucky I even met the handful of people that I still talk to today.

Leading to college graduation and beyond is where I really look back at my life and think about the sacrifices I convinced myself I had to make. I continued to live at home until about the age of 25. I had a job and “friends” that I invested time into, but I was still stuck at home and helping out on the farm. Eventually, I did make the choice to move out, which meant sacrificing income (I lived at home practically rent free because I had an arrangement with my parents to do chores in exchange) that I had otherwise been funneling into video games and other entertainment. I didn’t move far away, as I still helped with chores on the farm, but the choices in living arrangements and jobs thereafter are where I feel I sacrificed the most. I never strayed far from home, from my family. While my sister moved further and further from home, chasing jobs and dreams (she did eventually move back home), I stagnated. Year after year, new things would come up that impacted my family in ways that I made the same sacrifices to stick around and help them out. I had convinced myself that I was kind of a “shield” for my family. That while my siblings were exploring the different facets of life, such as moving to different states (my sister) or settling down to start a family (like my younger brother) I was making the choice to miss out on those things in case they collectively needed me.

There was a point that I realized I COULD have ventured further afield, so to speak, and done more, but I was using my family as an excuse to not stray from my comfort zone. My own fears and insecurities were (and to a certain extent still are) my biggest obstacles that I keep making sacrifices to accommodate. Do I want to change jobs to try and make more money? Yes. Am I comfortable where I’m at because I’m afraid I won’t succeed? Also yes. In that regard, I have convinced myself in part that my sacrifices are that I’m needed where I’m at, which means I don’t grow professionally. Do I want to own a home? Yes, but the market where I live isn’t great for a single income unless you make more money than I do. Are there places I could go that are more affordable? Absolutely, but that means either sacrificing quality or moving out of state (which also means likely finding a new job.) I also happen to have a financially great living situation with my roommates, and it’s hard to part with that even though I’m also making a mental sacrifice to not having my own space to more deeply explore my hobbies, but I also sometimes use the housing market as an excuse to not leave. (I could totally afford to move into an apartment of my own again, but I’m just being picky about once again sharing walls with strangers.)

Life is full of sacrifices, even if they’re driven by fear and insecurities.

What’s on me today that’s old?

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What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

What a strange prompt. It feels like the start of one of those “Favorite food plus color of your underwear is your whatever name” types of posts that I used to see all the damn time.

Well, quick and easy post today, then. Oldest thing I’m wearing is probably my gym shorts. I think I got them maybe ten years ago? I doubt it’s the oldest piece of clothing I own, though, I would just have to dig through a tote in the closet to see if I still had one or two of the shirts I got in the ThinkGeek t-shirt grab bags they did like 15-16 years ago. Maybe I’ll do a follow up post about those someday if I find any of them.

To lead, follow, or go solo

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Daily writing prompt
Are you a leader or a follower?
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Like anyone else, live has thrown plenty of curve balls my way. Some of those curve balls have required that I step up to help people by leading them through a situation, but work has also required me to lead from time to time.

Am I naturally inclined to be a leader, though? Not particularly. I hate being the center of attention, and typically leaders get LOTS of attention. I’m also not traditionally just a follower. I more often just “go with the flow” so if that counts as being a follower then I guess I am, but I also prefer to just walk my own path. I don’t do the “lone wolf” thing. I just kind of do my own thing.

Talking about situations where I’ve been a leader, those are typically because nobody else will and I know that everyone else has something better to contribute via their skill sets. So, at work, on projects, I act as a leader when I substitute in for a project manager on meetings or leading a specific subset of activities for a project. Technically speaking, these subsets of activities also require I be a follower when the project manager is present and taking care of things the way they’re expected to.

I never pay too close attention to the follower side of things, because, like I said, I typically just go where the wind takes me.

Favorite fruits

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List your top 5 favorite fruits.

Well, this should be quick and easy. My top 5 favorite fruits, in no particular order:

  • Strawberry
  • Banana
  • Lime
  • Pineapple
  • Mango

Orange and kiwi are honorable mentions.

Now, for a little nitpicking, lime bubly is the best flavor (followed by pineapple) but if I’m enjoying something other than bubly then pineapple is typically preferred. If I’m making something with kiwi, lime, and/or orange they are typically flavors that I build on top of because they are supporting rather than starring in the dish or drink.

Small things add up

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Daily writing prompt
What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?
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There are so many different things I could change in my life that would be improvements. If I were to look at them the way I normally do, I wouldn’t be able to stick to them because I have a problem with that.

For instance, take the idea of “eating better/healthier” and trying to treat that in its entirety as a small improvement. The idea is simple enough to follow and seems like it could be a small thing to do but we often take for granted what our relationship with food is even like. How much thought do you put into what you’re eating?

I’ve gone through different phases of eating healthier and trying do things differently for weight management. I’ve seen success with some, while others I failed miserably with. Although the thought of eating better is simple, it means a change in lifestyle. You have to identify many more changes than you expect when trying to make a “small improvement” related to food. Source and acquisition. Quantities and preparation methods. Storage. So, rather than trying to treat something that is actually much larger as a “small improvement” one thing I’ve been slowly trying to integrate into my life in an attempt to modify my lifestyle towards eating better is simply just “eat some veggies” or “have some fruit” in addition to the other things I eat.

It doesn’t matter that I might be adding more calories to my meals, I just need to add better sources of nutrition to those meals. Then when I’ve made that a consistent thing I can move on to the next small improvement.

Learning about critical thinking

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Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.

Where I went to college, the teachers were typically industry professionals who taught courses related to their experience. Teachers who taught computer networking or C++ programming worked locally for companies in positions that required them to be knowledgeable in those fields. It made sense! Real working experience being shared with prospective individuals who they might work with in the future. There was one exception to this that comes to mind. A doctor working as a mental health professional who worked directly with prison inmates.

This doctor taught a class that was like an introduction to critical thinking and problem solving, and they were incredibly fascinating! It took a long time to get to where I’m at today, but I likely wouldn’t have reached this far in my life without their class. One lesson in particular always comes up in my mind when I think about them.

They shared a story about a murderer who would leave dolls behind that were dressed like the victims. With only the limited details provided, the question posed to us students was simple and went something along the lines of “How would you go about figuring out the murderer’s identity?” The answer was one that most of us didn’t register until it was spoken out loud. If the murderer’s signature was a doll, then check with local toy stores that sold those kinds of dolls to see who was buying them. Once we heard that answer things started to click, and everything was downhill from there.

I’ll never forget that lesson.