Tag: observations

Lessons in self-importance and self-esteem

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.
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Sometimes I wonder about how long it takes, how old I need to be, to learn valuable lessons that others seemed to grasp well before I did. When I look to them, I also wonder if they ever really learned them in the first place or if they were naturally adept and have no idea what it would mean to “learn” those lessons.

I almost thought about titling this post around self-respect and image instead of self-importance, but I decided against it on account of perspective.

As kids, as teenagers, and even as adults, we often worry about what others think of us. What we wear, what we say, how we hold ourselves in the company of others. We get so in our own heads about all of it. And yet, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. For myself, part of me always kind of knew this, but I still couldn’t get over it.

Where I’m trying to go with all of this is to say that the lesson I wish I had learned earlier in life is to stop worrying about others perception of me, and to stop letting it affect my self-worth, self-importance, and self-esteem. Something that helped make this click is a 2-minute clip from a streamer by the name of Negaoryx who shared it on Twitter (I still refuse to call it X) of a troll in her chat that she chooses not to ignore and instead rips into them about being a piece of shit. To be clear, this persons actions are actually on the other end of the “self-importance” scale/spectrum from where I was at. I had very little self-esteem, where this troll was much more arrogant (and misogynistic, as you’ll see is called out if you watch the clip.) The words that resonated with me most actually come from near the end of the clip.

“…because you think you’re the hero of your own story, but you’re a footnote in everyone else’s.”

Those words, though not directed at me, made me realize that in this great big world, I am nobody. Yet, the same applies to everyone else. It can even go deeper if you stop to think about the fact that there are going to be billions of people in this world who never even know you exist.

So, where the troll is being put down (rightly) for being a misogynistic asshole, her words were almost uplifting to me in several ways. I don’t have to worry about what other people think of me (to a certain extent) because I could just as well be a faceless nobody to them, but I still need to remember that I am not nobody TO MYSELF. The world itself doesn’t revolve around me, but my world is everything around me. There are things I have control over, and things I don’t. It’s not worth the emotional stress of worrying about things I can’t control (other people and their perspectives) and I should only be concerned with what IS in my power to control (how I act and present myself.)

Along with all of the self-worth, -importance, and -esteem comes some amount of humility. Stop putting so much more value into what others think of you than what you think of yourself. Be happy with yourself, and not with who you want everyone else to think you are.

Provided you’re not a misogynistic piece of shit. We just need to be nice to each other.

A little bit of walking every day

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
How often do you walk or run?
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I do at least a little bit of walking every day (oh hey, post title!)

I’m still sort of waking up as I write this post but to be honest I don’t need to be fully awake to answer a simple question like this.

If there is one thing I could do to help myself be healthier it would actually be to walk more and add jogging/running to my routine. When I worked at a “Big Red Circles” big box store on the overnight shift, I was walking 20,000+ steps every night. I think at one point I was even hitting 32,000+ steps fairly regularly. I walked so much, jogged a little bit, lifted and “threw” truck so often that I actually was in the best shape of my life for about a year. It was great being able to earn my paycheck and get in shape all at once, and it made a nice balance to my very sedentary hobbies. (If I could make the money I am today, or even more, and work out simultaneously, I probably would go back to that.)

Running is not something I do very often at all anymore, though, and I’ve never found joy in running for the sake of running. If it’s part of another activity, like a sport, then I don’t mind it!

Well, not a very thought provoking prompt and response, but that is all I can muster this morning.

Strategizing my health and well-being

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?
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I don’t know that I have “strategies” associated to my health and well-being. I probably SHOULD, but I really don’t? That daily prompt from a couple weeks ago about strategies for comfort was definitely easier to answer.

I suppose you could probably count annual health checks with my doctor and optometrist. Having that as a routine has been helpful, but I haven’t always stuck to what my doctor has recommended (which I should be taking more seriously) and so every year is relatively the same outcome.

Trying to think through this prompt has me realizing I should set aside some time to review and make a better plan.

Future worries

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What are you most worried about for the future?
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To be honest, this prompt made my head spin a little and gave me a smidgen of anxiety. Why?

Because there is so much going on all the time. So many things happening outside of our control, and for many of us it takes everything we have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other with such uncertainty staring us in the face. We worry so much about those things that we can’t control, and for good reason in some cases, because they can be as dire and drastic as life versus death (literally and metaphorically.)

Bringing it down to a more personal level (without going into TOO much detail) in order to answer the prompt more appropriately, I’m going to focus on things that I have control over. What worries me about the future? That the decisions I make (or hold myself back from making) don’t lead me to a future I will like. That I am simultaneously the source of, and solution to, all of my problems, and that I need to accept that to make progress in directions I want to go, there will be sacrifices and changes that may be uncomfortable to make.

There is something that I used to remind myself of, and could stand to keep reminding myself of more often again. It sounds weird until you put things into perspective, but hear me out.

Change is the only universal constant.

Change happens all the time whether we want it or not. Even the rates at which things change can themselves change. Things happening faster or slower than predicted. Change is something that we need to face and accept. Yet, sometimes, it’s hard to do that. There is only so much of the future that can be predicted, because even the futures we envision for ourselves can change dramatically. This is why I tried to remind myself of change being the only universal constant, because it will happen whether we like it or not and we just need to roll with it.

A Personal Tagline

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If humans had taglines, what would yours be?
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I’ll admit, I had to look up the difference between slogans and taglines. I wanted to be sure I had the right understanding of what was being asked in the prompt.

Sadly, as much as I understand the differences, I don’t have a good answer! Taglines are weird. From what I could read in 20 seconds of googling, taglines are like a weird middle ground between slogans and catchphrases, but lean more towards the latter? I don’t know, maybe I misunderstood.

If I had to have a tagline, and it was my choice of what it said, it would probably be something like “Always Moving Forward”. I’ll just leave it at that.

My life before the internet

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Do you remember life before the internet?
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From a technical perspective the internet came before I did, but The Internet that I know was still not very wide reaching or mainstream until I hit middle school.

My life before the internet was a substantial chunk of my childhood. It was mostly filled with cartoons, video games, lots of hand-me-down LEGOs with some new ones, and plenty of running around outside with friends. There were no cell phones for the most part, so definitely no smart phones, which meant we didn’t have computers in our pockets that could connect to us to anyone and everyone across the world. I relied on having a phone book or memorizing a few numbers for friends. GameStop wasn’t around yet, but we did have a Game Force store. I remember the days I could ride my bike down there to spend a couple hours checking out all the new and used games, and even play some for a bit.

Even up until the end of middle school and beginning of high school, when the internet was blossoming into the early stages of what it would become today, I didn’t use it too much. At least, not for what it gets used for today with all the social media sites and “influencer’s” that have come to prominence in the last decade.

Life before the internet was simpler, and in certain ways, much quieter.

Life’s sacrifices big and small

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What sacrifices have you made in life?
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Life has a funny way of putting obstacles in our way that we find to be either insurmountable or require a sacrifice, but what if you have convinced yourself that it was life doing this and not yourself? The everyday choices we make can sometimes have unforeseen affects far into our future.

This prompt has me revisiting some of the thoughts I’ve had over the years regarding WHY I’ve made certain choices or remained where I’m at (at that time) in life.

After my family moved to South Dakota, the dynamic of my life changed dramatically. Sure, my family had some horses when I lived in Colorado, but that was a relatively recent change due to my Dad meeting and marrying my Stepmom, but I basically went from a suburban teenager to a “farm kid” practically over night. I couldn’t walk or ride my bike to go hang out with friends who all lived within a half mile radius of my house. I lived multiple country miles away from anyone in my class, and had a roughly eight mile drive just to get to school. I had to pick up daily chores to take care of all of the horses my parents kept “collecting” at the time (really they were mostly rescues or small number related to breeding.) This all adds up to a sacrifice that I had no say in and was forced to make. I don’t really regret having to go through that, because I was able to learn a lot about a completely different way of living and the hardships that some people face out here.

Not long after this time was when I would graduate high school and go on to college. I was fortunate that I lived close enough to the city to attend college while still living at home, so I took advantage of that, but it made it difficult to build meaningful relationships with my peers. That choice meant I sacrificed opportunities for social growth, and I’m lucky I even met the handful of people that I still talk to today.

Leading to college graduation and beyond is where I really look back at my life and think about the sacrifices I convinced myself I had to make. I continued to live at home until about the age of 25. I had a job and “friends” that I invested time into, but I was still stuck at home and helping out on the farm. Eventually, I did make the choice to move out, which meant sacrificing income (I lived at home practically rent free because I had an arrangement with my parents to do chores in exchange) that I had otherwise been funneling into video games and other entertainment. I didn’t move far away, as I still helped with chores on the farm, but the choices in living arrangements and jobs thereafter are where I feel I sacrificed the most. I never strayed far from home, from my family. While my sister moved further and further from home, chasing jobs and dreams (she did eventually move back home), I stagnated. Year after year, new things would come up that impacted my family in ways that I made the same sacrifices to stick around and help them out. I had convinced myself that I was kind of a “shield” for my family. That while my siblings were exploring the different facets of life, such as moving to different states (my sister) or settling down to start a family (like my younger brother) I was making the choice to miss out on those things in case they collectively needed me.

There was a point that I realized I COULD have ventured further afield, so to speak, and done more, but I was using my family as an excuse to not stray from my comfort zone. My own fears and insecurities were (and to a certain extent still are) my biggest obstacles that I keep making sacrifices to accommodate. Do I want to change jobs to try and make more money? Yes. Am I comfortable where I’m at because I’m afraid I won’t succeed? Also yes. In that regard, I have convinced myself in part that my sacrifices are that I’m needed where I’m at, which means I don’t grow professionally. Do I want to own a home? Yes, but the market where I live isn’t great for a single income unless you make more money than I do. Are there places I could go that are more affordable? Absolutely, but that means either sacrificing quality or moving out of state (which also means likely finding a new job.) I also happen to have a financially great living situation with my roommates, and it’s hard to part with that even though I’m also making a mental sacrifice to not having my own space to more deeply explore my hobbies, but I also sometimes use the housing market as an excuse to not leave. (I could totally afford to move into an apartment of my own again, but I’m just being picky about once again sharing walls with strangers.)

Life is full of sacrifices, even if they’re driven by fear and insecurities.

To lead, follow, or go solo

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Are you a leader or a follower?
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Like anyone else, live has thrown plenty of curve balls my way. Some of those curve balls have required that I step up to help people by leading them through a situation, but work has also required me to lead from time to time.

Am I naturally inclined to be a leader, though? Not particularly. I hate being the center of attention, and typically leaders get LOTS of attention. I’m also not traditionally just a follower. I more often just “go with the flow” so if that counts as being a follower then I guess I am, but I also prefer to just walk my own path. I don’t do the “lone wolf” thing. I just kind of do my own thing.

Talking about situations where I’ve been a leader, those are typically because nobody else will and I know that everyone else has something better to contribute via their skill sets. So, at work, on projects, I act as a leader when I substitute in for a project manager on meetings or leading a specific subset of activities for a project. Technically speaking, these subsets of activities also require I be a follower when the project manager is present and taking care of things the way they’re expected to.

I never pay too close attention to the follower side of things, because, like I said, I typically just go where the wind takes me.

Small things add up

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?
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There are so many different things I could change in my life that would be improvements. If I were to look at them the way I normally do, I wouldn’t be able to stick to them because I have a problem with that.

For instance, take the idea of “eating better/healthier” and trying to treat that in its entirety as a small improvement. The idea is simple enough to follow and seems like it could be a small thing to do but we often take for granted what our relationship with food is even like. How much thought do you put into what you’re eating?

I’ve gone through different phases of eating healthier and trying do things differently for weight management. I’ve seen success with some, while others I failed miserably with. Although the thought of eating better is simple, it means a change in lifestyle. You have to identify many more changes than you expect when trying to make a “small improvement” related to food. Source and acquisition. Quantities and preparation methods. Storage. So, rather than trying to treat something that is actually much larger as a “small improvement” one thing I’ve been slowly trying to integrate into my life in an attempt to modify my lifestyle towards eating better is simply just “eat some veggies” or “have some fruit” in addition to the other things I eat.

It doesn’t matter that I might be adding more calories to my meals, I just need to add better sources of nutrition to those meals. Then when I’ve made that a consistent thing I can move on to the next small improvement.

Freedom to live unimpeded

Taylor BurianLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What does freedom mean to you?
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Change is the only thing in this world and beyond that is a “constant”. The world a hundred years ago was very different from the world we know today, and it will change again. In all of that time the meaning of “freedom” has changed based on the needs of the people, and each time there is such a change we learn something new.

There is one thing that I try to look for when I think about what freedom can mean, not just for myself but for others as well. The bigger picture.

Freedom, to me, means to be able to live unimpeded. To live in ways that we each can be happy and healthy, without being hurt or dominated by others, and vice versa. Idealistic? Sure, but it’s as simple as all that, even if it is a pipe dream under our current world circumstances.