What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?

Unfortunately, there isn’t just one personality trait that trips the red flag alert with me, however, one of the biggest ones for me is deflecting in order to dodge accountability.

For anyone who doesn’t understand what I mean, I’ll explain what that looks like. Buckle up, because this is about to get long. (And I’m keeping things vague on purpose because it’s not entirely my story, but a friends. I can only really share my perspective.)

Someone you know, a friend, fucks up. They admit it to you, but don’t elaborate too much, and talk about trying to do better. They ask for advice, you kindly work with them to develop a loose plan so they have some direction, and off they go. They ARE your friend, after all. Simultaneously, you are talking with the friend who was hurt, who is also withholding information but telling you they don’t mind if you and mutual friends still talk to the friend who fucked up, because they don’t want to cause problems or reciprocate the hurt in some way.

Several months later, you learn some new information from a third party regarding what happened, but you take it with a bit of skepticism because this third party may have been part of the problem. They admit that, in part, they were involved in some situations where your friend was acting suspiciously, to the degree where this third party was your friends focus, but they don’t do anything about it nor make any mention of trying to put off your friend from whatever it is that was going on. They just keep talking about your friend and the things they had seen them do.

So, the red flag has been tripped by the third party about themselves, but you’re still skeptical and willing to give your friend the benefit of the doubt because they’re trying to do better and following the plan you worked out with them.

Given this new development, though, you’re being cautious with your friend. They never did tell you the full story. Until they do, a few more months later.

So, half a year or more has gone by, and your friend finally admits what really happened. They fucked up, but not in the way you thought. They did something that hurt another person, mentally and emotionally, but they don’t see what they did as wrong because in their mind it isn’t the same as what other people do.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there, because you learn it isn’t the first time this has happened. They hurt this same person in the same way multiple times, and claim that the victim (who they are trying to work with and reconcile with) can’t get passed the first time which means they can’t even begin to address the other times, and blames that on the victim.

Now THAT is fucked up!

The sheer disrespect after having previously talked it out and (presumably) working through it the first time, only for it to happen again and again because “they don’t see that they did anything wrong”. The abuser, because that’s what they have now become in your mind, is trying to dodge accountability for their further transgressions towards their victim because the victim is having trouble coming to terms with the first time? That’s not how it works at all. They don’t get to magically render the other times as null and void when what they have effectively done is reset all the work the victim had put in (because obviously to you at this point, the abuser doesn’t appear to have tried at all) and shift the blame.

So, after these new revelations, you quietly simmer. You don’t let the abuser know that you’re pissed. Not yet. They’ve triggered the same red flag as the third party (and so many more.)

You talk things out with some mutual friends, and collectively help and support the victim as you have been on the side this whole time. You realize that all of you had been slowly distancing yourself from the abuser while maintaining daily contact with the victim. Then the day comes where the victim finally opens up and shares their side of everything that transpired.

Now, you and your mutual friends have been respecting the victims wish to continue talking with and helping the abuser (under the pretense that they were actually trying to turn things around) but the day has come to set the record straight and make sure everyone is on the same page. You share what you learned from the third party.

All that information you had been keeping to yourself because of your skepticism and not wanting to unnecessarily stir the pot while people are trying to (presumably) work on themselves for the better? It all comes out. Details are confirmed and corroborated. One of your mutual friends now feels weird about the situation because the abuser had recently reached out to see how they were doing. They hadn’t responded yet, and, now knowing all this, they don’t want to.

You and another mutual friend take it upon yourselves to prepare some confrontational statements (relating solely to how the situation is between you all and the abuser, and not as a way of attacking them on behalf of the victim). You call the abuser out, pointing to the fact that their “progress” isn’t what they had been making it out to be. That they had been lacking in accountability for certain things that they had promised you they were working on, dodging and shifting blame for those things.

Instead of coming clean, they give a rather lengthy, but hollow, apology and then run away.

Technically, the story doesn’t end there. The victim still has things to finish dealing with in regards to their connection with the abuser, but you all are there to help.

As you look back upon the whole situation, and look further back through the years you had known the abuser, you start to see the signs that you should have taken more seriously. The red flags. Complaining about how much effort things take and then shifting attention away from themselves. Giving half hearted attempts to do things that would progress their livelihood to a higher level, and then giving up and blaming something else.

Hopefully, for the future, you can catch these signs as they happen. They may not always be associated to mental and emotional abuse of another friend, but they’re something to keep an eye out for.